Just as famous as the hero’s are some of DC Comic’s villains; look at the Joker, Lex Luthor, Darkseid, and Sinestro just to name a few, and because of their ability to bring our greatest superheroes on their knees and sometimes to the edge of sanity they collect their own fan clubs. People love reading them because some have an incredible depth to their character, or a mystery surrounding it that leaves their motives unknown, some like them because of their sheer power to put guys like Superman and the Flash on an even keel…but not all of them are awesome. Some leave use scratching our heads wondering what in the world some of the creators were thinking. So in honor of the guys who can’t compare to the big dogs here is our Top 10 Lames DC Comics Villains.
#10. Weather Wizard (Mark Mardon)
Reason For Being Lame: He controls the weather. With a wand. In an attempt to give him more villain cred though he got some non-wand-dependent powers, but this happened only in the last couple of years: he’s been running around since 1959 waving around a stick creating storms, which in itself can be hardcore, but for guys like Superman and Flash I ask myself, “for 40+ years you couldn’t get this guy’s stick from him?” Lame.
How to make him hardcore: make him a hot woman, in spandex, with no wand. Wait a minute…
#9. Clock King (William Tockman & Temple Fugate)
Reason For Being Lame: Guns vs. Superheros is lame but at least those guys were trying. Clock King has no powers and no guns, just a great sense of…wait for it…time. Oh and of course he’s also really smart, creates things like teleporters, and the first one was good with a sword. Lately they’ve tried to take him up a notch but really, it’s like lowering a 96′ Honda Civic and putting spinners on it, it’s the car not the accessories that suck.
How to make him hardcore: Give him the power to slow down or speed up the time around him. And screw it, give him a gun.
#8. Captain Boomerang
Reason For Being Lame: Oh I don’t know, he throws boomerangs! And here’s the part that will blow your mind, he’s Australian. His lameness didn’t go unnoticed though as in 2004 he was killed off, someone shot him. Took 44 years for someone to figure out that a guy with no powers and boomerangs could be stopped by a gun but hey, at least it happened. Don’t get to worried though, he had a son who’s taken up the mantle. Great.
How you can make him hardcore: You don’t.
#7. Blue Snowman (Byran Brilyant)
Reason For Being Lame: First off just look at that picture and think about the name Blue Snowman. Secondly, like all powerless beings who fight people with tons of powers, he has a gun, “which she used to create petrifying blizzards and a “defroster ray” to reverse their effect.” (wiki) So reverse blizzards and you read that right, Blue Snowman was a girl, dressed as a guy, dressed as a Blue Snowman.
How to make her hardcore: ditch the cross-dressing, give her a name like Jaqui Frost, and make her eat people. No guns.
#6. Dummy (Alter ego unknown)
Reason For Being Lame: It’s exactly what your thinking, a wooden ventriloquist doll that somehow came to life and decided to take it out on the world. Now in 1988 when Child’s Play came out out this became a not-so-lame concept but the trickery he was pulling in the 40′s is just enough to make the list. For a long time it wasn’t known if he was actually a real person or not but after a run-in with Golden Age Green Lantern, Alan Scott, where the Dummy walked through his energy force-field, which didn’t work against wood, was proof that the Dummy was in fact just that. So classic bad asses like the Vigilante were getting beat up and tricked by Pinocchio.
How to make him hardcore: There was a second Dummy created who was not made of wood (Danny the Dummy) but even then it was a stretch. Have him fall in love and marry a beaver, who catches him cheating, and she eats him.
#5. Fiddler (Isaac Bowin)
Reason For Being Lame: We should start with the elephant in the room, Fiddler is only one letter off from Riddler, and he does have magic powers, which he channels through a F’ING FIDDLE. Are you serious? Imagine your middle school band teacher grabbing his tuba and shooting energy blasts out of it. The only cool thing that ever happened to this guy was being killed by Deadshot, a villain who isn’t lame.
How to make him hardcore: He carries around a fiddler case that is really a machine gun. People think he’s there to play for the recital or give your kids lessons, but the tricks on you.
#4. Goldilocks (Alter ego unknown)
Reason For Being Lame: Straight from wikipedia.com “Her hair is incredibly strong.” She can control it, manipulate it, make it grow, and wreak all kinds of havoc. Why someone thought the girl who found the porridge and bed that was ‘juuuust right’ needed crazy hair she could control is beyond me (Wouldn’t Rapunzel make more sense?). She’s also infamous for wanting to make Robin her “prince charming.” So she’s lame AND a freak.
How to make her hardcore: If strong hair and an unknown alias wasn’t hardcore enough for you she could use some combs that shoot fire or poisonous hair spray.
#3. Sportsmaster (Lawrence Crock)
Reason For Being Lame: Sportsman runs around throwing exploding hockey pucks, flying bases, and exploding baseballs while dressing up like a fisherman or golf pro (depending on the event he’s crashing). I guess seeing a rocket baseball bat or exploding football would be scary but behind every fishing lure lined with acid is a sad man who got beat up by the varsity team as a sophomore in high school. Personally, I blame the parents; for never checking what their 30 year old son is doing down in the basement with all those beakers and mysterious drums of chemicals.
How to make him hardcore: turn him into a 350 pound NFL linemen who runs an underground mafia. And if you join his posy you’ll always get those awesome cookies his mom makes during meetings.
#2. Doctor Spectro (Tom Emery)
Reason For Being Lame: Doctor Spectro is so lame that even the the other comic book characters have pity on him, Green Arrow in #26 said, “When a guy twice your size in a costume tells you to stop doing something–you stop! Unless it’s the Riddler. Or that moron Doctor Spectro. ‘Cause they’re just…sad.” And sad is right, since Doctor Spectro has the ability to change his opponent’s emotions. So he’s supposed to beat up the likes of Wonder Woman, Batman, and Green Lantern by affecting their mood swings? He’s so low on the villain totem pole that dcuguide.com has classified him as a “super-crook.” Can’t even get the “villain” word in there. So sure, you or I could beat the crap of ol’ Spectro but beware, how dumb will you feel when people see you’ve been crying?
How to make him hardcore: Get rid of that ridiculous costume, make him go through a divorce which makes him so mad that he attacks Superman in a fury of rage and since he controls people emotions he’ll make Superman mad too, then Superman kills him. Wait…that’s sad not hardcore.
#1. Tweedlede and Tweedledum (Dumfree and Deever Tweed)
Reason For Being Lame: the #1 lamest DC villain of all time takes the cake by a mile; wikipedia quotes as their power and abilities, “have no powers, but their fat bodies enable them to bounce.” Ok, now read that again but slower, Fat bodies…enable…them…to bounce. Are. You. Kidding. Me? Where do I even start? Well I guess it’s worth noting that fat bodies don’t bounce, I doubt someone named Dumfee or Deever, who have no powers and limited physical ability are capable of getting hired thugs they can boss around, and I wonder how the ability to bounce would give any person (not just superheroes) enough trouble to tell a good story. No guns, no magic, no costumes, no gimmicks, just two fat cousins who bounce.
How to make them hardcore: Grant Morrison actually included the two as inmates in his Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth, where they were attached to each other via electroshock helmets, one controlling the right side of the brain the other controlling the left side. I’d like to think that giving them weird haircuts and putting them in a creepy situation (circus with the joker or torturers with the Black Mask) could actually make them pretty intense, specially if they talked weird or had blood stains all over their shirt collars. Kinda reminds me of the two twins in the Shining. So unlike our Boomerang boy and Doctor Spectro, I think these guys could be done right.
So there you have it, the Top 10 Lames DC Comics Villains of all time. What’s even more sad than this list is a) all the other lame-o’s that didn’t make the cut (like Hellgrammite, Puzzler, and Fastball) and b) lame villains isn’t something of the past, it’s more relevant today than ever. Most recently Batman got taken down by a group of high rolling gamblers, Goldilocks (the chick with the hair) was created in 2006, Captain Boomerang’s son is taking over for him, and it was only 12 years ago that Arnold Swarzenegger quoted, “Everybody Freeze.” It isn’t all bad though, they give us something to laugh at.
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