Superheroes make everything better, that’s just a fact of life. And with their crazy powers, hot bodies and larger than life personalities who wouldn’t want to party with the world’s greatest heroes and heroines? But it’s not all fun and games. Sometimes the coolest superheroes can be the biggest wet blankets on the planet. So…the 10 worst superheroes to party with.
10. Rorschach – The Creepy Guy
Have you even been to a party and seen some weird guy just hanging out in the back, watching what everybody else is doing, but not dancing or talking to anybody himself? He’s pretty intense and no one will admit to inviting him? That’s Rorschach. While certainly the coolest character in Watchmen, Rorschach’s creepy-quiet, socially awkward and has a tendency to see threatening conspiracies in everyday conversations. Before the night is over, he’ll have gone through both your medicine cabinet and underwear drawer, downloaded all the emails on your computer, and freaked out enough people to ensure that you’ll have to move before you ever throw another successful party again.
9. Mary Marvel – The Boring Girl (who’s actually underage)
Remember that hot chick you met at that party that time? Gorgeous face, smoking bod, but when you finally worked up the nerve to start a conversation with her, all she could talk about was her cats and how much she loved Grey’s Anatomy? Mary Marvel is the quintessential goody-goody, totally bereft of personality or anything interesting to say. And to make matters worse, while her super-form appears to be in its early 20’s, I think her human form is still around 16, meaning even if you’re successfully able to navigate “The Rock of Eternity,” one wrong word and suddenly it’s “I swear to god, Officer, she was like 25 when I picked her up last night!”
8. Captain America – The Grandpa
If The Ultimates has taught us anything, it’s that if you’re under 80, you never invite Captain America to a party. With a mindset and a sense of humor stuck squarely (pun intended) in the 1940’s, having Cap at your party would be like inviting your granddad to rock out with you. And not your cool granddad either. I’m talking the really uptight one, who keeps telling the girls to “cover up!” and stands by the keg asking for ID before he lets you get a drink. He yells at you to turn the music down and wants everyone out by 9 PM so that he can get a good night’s rest. And as his recent movie informed us, you can’t get Cap drunk, so there is absolutely no chance of getting him to loosen up as the night wears on.
7. The Hulk – The Angry Drunk
We all know that guy. The one who is wound WAY too tight, who can’t deal with his emotions and keeps everything bottled up inside. He’s a walking time-bomb of bitter rage until one day, maybe after a few drinks, someone says the wrong thing, and BAM! he explodes. The Hulk is the ultimate angry drunk. The Hulk is triggered by Bruce Banner’s rage, and it certainly stands to reason that if a geeky insult-target like Banner was ever going to lose his cool, it would be at a party (probably yours) after some jerk pours a drink over his head and/or some girl laughs at him. You thought Carrie was bad? All she did was burn down a Gym. Insult the Hulk and your whole town, possibly state, gets laid to waste.
6. Wonder Woman – The Activist
Remember that scene in Legally Blonde (come on, you can admit you watched it, we’re all friends here) where the one woman has the main guy cornered at a party and she keeps going on and on about how male-centric the education system is, even suggesting they change the word SEMESTER to OVESTER? Having been raised on an island of man-hating Amazons, that’s pretty much how I imagine a conversation with Wonder Woman going. And even if you get her off the “woman’s lib” angle, you’d still have to hear all about how MEN have polluted the oceans, killed the dolphins, and generally screwed up the entire world. Since she cares about every living thing on the planet, Wonder Woman is exactly the kind of girl who would drag you to protest rallies, peace demonstrations and make you stop the car and pick up every wounded animal on the side of the road and take it to the vet.
5. Lobo – The Wildman
At first glance, “The Main Man” would seem like the ideal party animal, you know he’d bring all kinds of booze and crazy girls to your party, and assuming he doesn’t kill anybody for fun or profit, a good time for all is pretty much a sure thing. The problem isn’t getting him to come over, it’s getting him to leave. Lobo is exactly the kind of dead-beat who would come over for a party and end up crashing on your couch for six months, eating all your food and racking up your cable bill ordering hours and hours of porn. Until finally one day you come home from work to find a huge hole in your house going from the front yard to the back yard, Lobo gone and your bathtub on fire.
4. The Human Torch – The Man-Child
Ironically, there is no dumber “dumb blonde” in the superhero community than Johnny Storm. Mark Millar said it best; Johnny is “The Male Paris Hilton,” nothing but a short attention span and one lame catchphrase after another. Which in itself wouldn’t be SO bad, if Johnny didn’t have the emotion range of an 8-year old. This is a guy who still thinks stuff like “Pull my finger” and wet-willies are funny. He’s exactly the kind of idiot who would flush a bath towel down your toilet just to see the look on your face when it backs up into the hallway. And most insulting of all, he’d STILL wind up going home with the hottest girl at the party.
3. Emma Frost – The Ice Queen
Here again is another character who, at first glance, appears to be an ideal party guest. A super-hot blonde with “loose morals” in every sense of the phrase. But let’s think this through a moment. First off, she’s a snob. Unless you kept a wine cellar in your basement or had your own private island, she probably wouldn’t give you the time of day. Second, she’s psychic, meaning she can read your mind. Remember how pissed girls get when they think you are only talking to them so you can stare at their boobs? Well, how do you think that’ll play out when she can actually see every dirty thought that involuntarily runs through your head as soon as you see her in that outfit? Third, she can turn her body into diamond, and punch you through a wall, and given that she’s a former supervillain, she probably would.
2. Spider-Man – The Social Disaster
Spider-Man is a walking, talking social disaster. Besides being a broke science nerd who lives with his elderly aunt, Spider-Man is a girl repellant of the highest class both in an out of that creepy costume. He’s worst kind of socially awkward, not content with just being quiet and leaving people alone as Peter Parker, put a mask on the guy and suddenly he’s got “diarrhea of the mouth,” constantly spouting off the first thing that comes to his mind, desperately attempting to be funny but usually just coming off as weird and random. He’s that manic-depressive guy who spends the first part of the party bugging everybody with lame jokes and magic tricks like clinging to walls, and spends the second half crying in the corner because no one likes him.
Just ask little Jimmy who invited Spider-Man to his party…
1. Batman – THAT Guy
Batman would be… The. Worst. Party-Guest. EVER! He combines the worst traits of Rorschach, Captain America and The Hulk. He’s uber-creepy and intrusive, probably going through everyone’s coats in the bedroom looking for “clues.” He’s got a major stick up his ass and doesn’t smoke, drink, tell jokes, or laugh at jokes. And he’s got serious anger issues, probably putting the first guy to make a crack about his relationship with Robin through a wall. Every conversation ends with him talking about his parent’s death and how he “Is the Night!” And God help you if you’ve got pirated cable or bootleg DVDs. Plus, with his ninja-trained disappearing act, you’d never be entirely sure he’s gone, leaving you with that distinct feeling of being watched long after the party’s over.
So there it is. The top 10 worst superheroes to invite to a party. Next time you find yourself throwing a shindig in 2-Dimensional Idea Space, be sure to leaves these guys and girls off the guest list.
Who are some heroes you’d exclude from your invite list?
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