Wizard Magazine: Grumpy Geoff’s WTF Rant #1

Come on, Wizard, what’s goin’ on?

Once upon a time, I’d get you in the mail and I could hardly wait to tear open that thin little plastic bag and take out all those little ads and open you up to see what’s going on in the world of comics.  Whether it be the “Last Man Standing” page, when I could see how two comparable heroes/villains would match up against one another, or the “Casting Call” page that would cast comic book movies with famous or up and coming actors in roles of a lifetime (remember when they called for Patrick Stewart to play Professor X?), or the Wizard 1/2 offer complete with certificate of authenticity, you were a real pleasure to thumb through for a whole month at a time.  Oh, how those days are gone.  Your prize for your dismal tailspin is being the first target of Grumpy Geoff’s WTF Rant.

Rant Nugget #1 – Somehow “Bigger” Became “Smaller”

A little while back, Wizard announced that they were changing the size of the magazine.  It used to be a little bigger than a comic with a glued binding and articles ranging from the small monthly departments to larger articles previewing new comics and interviews from writers, artists and editors.  Oh sure, it’s bigger now…  In area alone.  These last few months it’s been nothing but this countdown of 50 little “tidbits” of stuff.  “The Wizard 50″ starts on page three and continues until there are only eight pages left.  Many of the items occupy the same page.  The once vaunted pricing guide now reduced to one single, pathetic page of only the books Wizard themselves publicize.

Okay, I’m sure the powers that be at Wizard sat around and said, “We’ve just laid off a buttload of our writers and editors, we only really talk about Marvel and DC on a regular basis, and we’re getting outpaced by fine websites like A Comic Book Blog…  What can we do to make people pay their hard earned 7 bucks?”  I bet a real asshole responded with the Top 50 idea.  Besides, even if it is fewer pages, doesn’t it feel like we get more with FIFTY items of tidbits?  What better way to “do more with less” in the writing department by actually making the remaining writers write more articles for the same or fewer words.  Economy’s rough right now, gotta scrimp and save where you can.  Unfortunately, Wizard’s readers are footing the bill for a poorly conceived plot to take your dollars.

So, let’s do some Rant Math, shall we?  Bigger area + fewer writers + a whole lot of balls = The Wizard Top 50.  I would have also accepted a Seven Dollar Black Hole as a correct answer.

Rant Nugget #2 – What the Hell Happened to the Wizard World Conventions?

I’ll tell you what happened – they pretty much went away.  Are there still cons in Chicago and Philly like the old days?  Yes.  Do they still showcase some of the greatest talents in the comic book world?  Eh, kinda…  I guess…  ?  But what they don’t do anymore is bring Marvel and DC to the convention to give you some news and build the hype machine around their events or books.

Five years ago, I attended an Avengers panel at WizardWorld Chicago (now known as it’s original name – Chicago Comic-Con).  There, Brian Michael Bendis and Joe Quesada announced who the New Avengers were and the storm that would be the rebooting of all the Avengers related books in Marvel.  We got a sneak peek of one of the biggest surprises of that year, The Young Avengers, and learned who was going to be working on which title.  The atmosphere was electric and exciting.

Now back to the present…  This past August was a complete nightmare.  Okay, I have to admit that I made the most of my time there.  In fact, I wish I could go back and do some of it again, but if I take out my dream come true of getting a George Perez sketch of Thor, Shane Davis was kind of a tool, Jake Busey was a bigger tool, there were no panels worth a damn, and the biggest f— you to the people who paid nearly $60 for a ticket and untold amounts of cold hard cash for hotel rooms, Marvel, DC, Image and Dark Horse were not present at the convention.  Why wasn’t the big four at the convention?  No one really knows for sure, but the speculation is disturbing.  I’ve heard that Marvel pulled out due to a refund dispute with Wizard.  Marvel paid to go, but decided not to at some point before the summer, then when Wizard did not give the money back, Marvel decided they no longer wanted to come to any Wizard organized conventions anymore.  Instead, it seems Marvel and DC have bought into a new convention moving into Chicago this April.

Also, Wizard announced they were canceling their Texas and Los Angeles conventions, yanking the rug out of a lot of people who had great times at conventions in affordable, relatively local locations.  The reason cited for the cancellation was the economy, BUT those jerks at Wizard bought cons in New York and Anaheim.  Oh yeah, the economy’s rough, ain’t it?

Some of you might be saying that I got a convention to go to, so why am I ranting so much if I actually had some fun?  Well, my friends, I’m ranting for all those people who paid a ridiculous amount of money for “VIP” tickets to Wizard cons and weren’t able to get the promised swag that came with the package, or have their personal autograph sessions with whatever has been sci-fi actor canceled or rearranged without notice.  This is bush league behavior, people!

Oh and those has beens…  If you wanted to stand 10 feet away from Jake Busey and snap a picture of the guy who blew up the first launch site in the movie Contact, you were told that you had to pay $20.  A bunch of people were there from the Twilight movie that isn’t even out yet so I couldn’t tell you who the hell they were.  A bunch of fat, old WWF stars were around.  What’s a comic convention without Star Wars people that wore masks or so much makeup you wouldn’t recognize them?  Peter Brady was there with his wife…  Because they are related to comic books?  I guess?  Okay, Billy Dee Williams and Nichelle Nichols were there, so that was way cool, but there were more wrestlers there than A and B list comic book peoples.  It was more of a media convention opposed to a comic con.

It’s time for more Rant Math!  Take $60 for a ticket + nearly all the main floor taken up by people like the son of the guy who was Keanu Reeve’s partner in Point Break who liked meatball subs + a total clusterf— with exclusives and handling of the major publishers coming to your show = a kick in the rant nuggets.

Rant Nugget #3 – You Forgot to Send Me My Issue Last Month, A Holes!

Okay, this one’s personal.  I pay, like a sucker, every year for you to deliver the newest issue each and every month.  God knows I don’t ask for you to be punctual.  I mean, you can’t seem to get the issue to me until several days after it’s release date, but I can live with that.  It’s better than paying full price or not being able to get an issue because it’s sold out.  But when I pay for a subscription, I expect to get what I pay for.  Again, God knows I’m coming up short on the whole getting what I pay for front, but still, I’m not paying full price.

Back in September, I realized the last week of the month had come and gone.  “Oh well,” I thought, “they aren’t usually here on time anyway.  I’ll survive.”  Then the next week came and went and still nothing.  Then the next week.  Nothing still.  I go to a comic shop and part with full price thinking that my subscription had finally expired.  I’m not worried that much because, dammit, the mag isn’t really that good anymore, so if I want to just buy them irregularly, I’m okay with that idea.  This most recent issue hits the stands at the end of October.  It asks the question “The Dark Knight: The Best DVD of All Time?”  I thought, “I need to see this”, so I buy it.

They count down the 50 greatest DVDs (what is their deal with the number 50?).  #1 is The Dark Knight.  While I sit there and contemplate how they totally bungled the big surprise of what #1 was by actually stating it on the freakin’ cover, I began to realize that they completely snubbed the Blade Runner box set that came out back in 2007.  I go through their list another three times looking for Blade Runner, but those jerks didn’t include it!  How can you not include the biggest, baddest set containing one of the greatest sci-fi movies of all time???  I mean you included Fanboys and the entire film collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (can those be called films and can any of them beyond the first Turtles flick be considered good?), but no love to Ridley Scott’s 1982 masterpiece.  You even have the Resident Evil Trilogy.  And I know the bonus features on Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker were awesome with all that interactive menus thing they had going on and I would have been pissed if the Rambo Trilogy landed anywhere outside the top 3, but…  Wait a minute…  The RAMBO Trilogy finished THIRD?!?!?!  Oh nevermind that little piece o’ junk Blade Runner.  It’s no Rambo.

Okay, back to my main point.  While I’m still losing sleep and swearing to the Gods of Comic Books that I cannot let this Wizard afront continue to distract me from reading something really good and classy like Better Homes and Gardens, what arrives in my mailbox?  This month’s issue of Wizard!  What the hell happened to September?!?  Did a temporal anomaly appear in my mailman’s little mail purse and suck my Wizard #217 into a wormhole?  Are they really trying to make me not want what they are selling anymore?  This is a perplexing issue that has caused me to lose more sleep than the whole Blade Runner debacle.

I know what will get me back to a good pattern of sleep…  Some Rant Math!  Okay, so dig this.  You got a disappearing act of issue #217 of Wizard making me believe my subscription ran out without sending me a notice (which didn’t surprise me a bit) + Blade Runner completely left off the Top 50 DVDs of all time list = Me now having a goal in life – to continue getting Wizard so I can continue to rant them into the f—in’ ground.

Alright, so that’s the end of my first rant.  I’m sure there are more to come.  Consider the below Comments area a “Rant Back” section.  Agree or disagree, I don’t really care.  After all, I’m the one you just spent your hard earned lunchbreak on, so…  HA!  Suckers!  But for real, you got a beef with Wizard Magazine, let’s hear it!