The House of Ideas has come up with a bunch of cool villains. The picture above showcase some of those cool bad guys. But even a house full of ideas can make mistakes from time to time.
Marvel’s Lamest Villains
Not everyone can be the Juggernaut, or Doctor Doom, or Galactus. Oh no. Sometimes you get the Hypno-Hustler, or the Graffiti Guerrillas (yeah, they fought Speedball for some reason). My list will introduce you to some of these bad men and women, and I don’t mean bad as in villainous. And by villainous, I mean the writers should face crimes against humanity for these sloppy, ill-conceived, monstrosities. Sit back and enjoy my list, and if you get the same gloomy, doomy feelings I did after doing some research, please consult a suicide hotline and remember that we’re lucky that most of these guys are barely in operation anymore.
#10. The Purple Man
WHY: Let’s forget about the fact that the dude’s purple, and he wears a lot of purple, and he just calls himself “The Purple Man”… Let’s forget all that jazz. He’s a longtime Daredevil villain created during a time when Daredevil had no good villains. What’s his schtick? He can control minds. Okay, that’s pretty simple and can be very effective. He did play a part in the history of Jessica Jones and really helped her character development a great deal. I mean, if you could control minds, what’s the first thing you’d do? Hell yeah, you’d find a hot, young, chick in a tight costume and have some fun (you know what I mean). So, this character isn’t exactly completely worthless, but my main complaint about this douche is that since he was revealed to be the main reason why Jessica Jones is no longer a superhero, he’s popped up more than you’d think a purple guy who wears purple and calls himself “The Purple Man” really should. He was there at the start of New Avengers and popped up in a Thunderbolts arc and generally wreaked havoc on the minds of people. Still not sure why I don’t like him? Well, there’s a lot of ways to make a character like this cool and relevant and he’s consistently portrayed as someone who uses his power to use women and rapes them. It just doesn’t make for a particularly great character. Now, he could have women around him while he does bigger and better things with his powers, like I dunno… Make the whole world thing the heroes are the bad guys or use heroes as sleeper assassins and so forth, but writers don’t do that. They just use him as a mind controlling rapist and that’s just lame.
#9. White Rabbit
WHY: Oh, White Rabbit. Yeah, you’re really cute. No, scratch that, you’re pretty damn hot, but you are also extremely lame. You were some dorky, rich chick who were entertained by books. Then, you married some old fart and had him killed so you can have a more exciting life with all your awesome gadgets – an armored rabbit with a bunch of weapons, your genetically rabid rabbits, those rocket boots you wear, razor carrots, and that umbrella you carry that does… something. Honey, I’m sorry your creators were stoned out of their minds when they created you – “Aw, man… You know what would be totally wicked? Killer bunnies! Oh yeah, also razor carrots… And a giant armored rabbit. And rocket boots! Aw man, I’m sooooo stoned right now!” Some of your greatest hits were to kidnap some loser heroes and demand a billion dollars in gold. When the counter-offer from the mayor came back as a cool $2.50 you got mad and asked for $5 million in quarters. You aligned yourself with the Walrus (sigh). That’s about it. You’ve done very little even though you’ve shown up way more than you should have. But cheer up, sweetie, someone on a message board picked you as their favorite Spider-Man villain…
WHY: Stryfe is the culmination of everything I disliked about X-Men comics of the late 80s and early 90s. This Rob Liefeld (need I say more?) creation is a disaster. He’s the clone of a character who came from the future who was the child of another character’s clone. Holy shit… Already I have a headache. Just thinking about characters like Cable and Madeline Pryor and Rachel Summers and X-Man just makes me want to eviscerate someone all Wolverine style. And then we have this god awful costume. Spikes and blades EVERYWHERE! How can someone wearing this garbage be able to look to his left or right without slicing his freakin’ face off? Look at those shoulder pads… Tap him on the shoulder to get his attention and you’re walking away with less fingers! In no way does this getup look like it can bend. In this picture it’s like the suit was already perched on that chair and Stryfe just climbed in like the Keeper of Traken. Where the hell does the guy take a leak? It’s got to be inside that suit. So, does that make him a smelly bad guy on top of a horrific character? Yup. It sure does.
#7. Pink Pearl
WHY: Pearl Gross was the fat lady in the circus. Get it? Gross? She’s fat and gross! Gross as in HUGE! Ha ha Alpha Flight, but really? That’s bad enough, but she decided one day to become a terrorist. Huh. Okay. She uses her mass to clobber people. She planned on bombing the President of the United States and the Canadian Prime Minister, but was stopped by Aurora and Northstar. She was stabbed by her partner “Thin-Man” (oh jeez), but because she was so fat she was able to take that like a few hundred pounds of bacon. Despite being a pretty smart lady, she always speaks in the third person. “Pink Pearl is sad. Pink Pearl is a lame villain?!?” You bet your Volkswagen sized panties you are.
#6. Critical Mass
WHY: Arnie Gunderson was a classmate of Peter Parker’s in the fourth grade. Now, he’s known as the heaping bag of crap Critical Mass. He helped a gang of people kidnap some girl and then got blown up. There really isn’t too much to Artie’s history than that. So, you basically have a guy who’s got all the fatness of the Blob (another fat Marvel supervillain), plus energy blasts that can be projected from his fingertips, but in no way does he possess any of the interest or personality of the Blob. He’s just the token evil fat guy on a team of bad guys.
WHY: Here’s another fat villain from Marvel. Co-created by Rob Liefeld, it’s clear the artist found this creation hilarious because her power is to shrink her molecules but still possess her strength. Funny one there Mr. Levi’s Guy. Wait a minute… She looks an awful lot like Liefeld in drag (and a fat suit). Wow, what lengths will this guy go to in order to put himself in his characters? What is it about the fatties in Marvel all having that awful haircut? What, have they grown so fat that they can only have hair at the top of their heads? In later appearances, she’s taken on more of an Amanda Waller look, but still wears that big ol’ purple outfit with matching hair color. Oh yeah, she does have another power – getting tired because of her weight. Sheesh, Marvel. Give a giant sack of potatoes a break, will ya?
#4. The Slug
WHY: Again, another tub of lard. If you look at the picture above, was someone making a fat Bill Clinton joke? Anyway, Ulysses X. Lugman was a drug dealer who ran afoul of Captain America and Nomad. Later, he was seen hanging with the Hood, but was revealed to be a Skrull and was killed immediately. He didn’t come back with the rest of the duplicated people after the Skrulls were defeated in the Secret Invasion. So no one knows what happened to Jabba… er… The Slug. Oddly enough no one is missing him. Check out how he dispatches of the people who piss him off…
Lugman’s immense weight makes it impossible for him to move around. No shit. I couldn’t have guessed that in a million years. Man, how gooey and smelly would those folds be?
Apparently, Marvel feels that if you’re overweight, you must be some sort of evil person. Either you’re a drug lord, a kingpin, someone who wants to kill the president, or just an all around evil person. Now, I might be wrong about this, but most of the people I know who are overweight are either party dudes who used to play football, jolly, or incredibly depressed and lonely. Thankfully, I don’t know any of those depressed and lonely people, but that’s what I’m used to when it comes to an overweight person. In fact, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sum up an overweight person into one of those three categories when I see them about town or in Target. That might make me an ass, but at least I’m not Marvel who just sees them as evil bastards. Yeah, think about that for a second… And then continue to…
WHY: Can anyone tell me what the hell this thing is? I mean, he’s got like 400 mouths. Does that mean he has 400 buttholes? Maybe he just has one big butthole. I dunno, but this is the sort of shit that goes through my mind when I see a creature that is basically ALL mouths. Granted, George Prufrock didn’t always look like that. He also looked like a giant zit with hairy moles. He first appeared in a Punisher Annual. I guess the thought was that he was the perfect villain for a guy who goes around shooting criminals…? He later crossed paths with Daredevil and the Hulk before eventually being dumped on an uninhabited planet by the Silver Surfer. So, he’s tussled with a mix of heroes, but he has only ever appeared in annuals, not a single numbered issue in any series. If you ask me, you’re a sucky character if you are only used in annuals.
Hey, Bendis! I got an idea for you for the first Avengers arc… Lifeform shows up and eats Ft. Worth and then farts on Dallas before taking a huge dump on Houston. The Avengers show up and beat him up. All the while, you’ve explained to me exactly how many buttholes this thing has and you’ve brought him out of just being the heavy in annuals. C’mon… You know you like that story! If you don’t, pass it over to Brubaker for Secret Avengers. Either way, please answer my anal questions about this creature.
WHY: Three words: Hank Pym’s Arch-Nemesis. I guess that’s kind of four words. I don’t know how hyphenated words work in counting. Seriously, what’s more exciting when reading a book about a really smart guy than having a really smart mad scientist whose dream creation was (wait for it) a cure for aging. Ooh… What an evil little cocktail that must be. I bet it killed at least a million rats and, like, two or three people in testing. Hey… A cure for AGING? That’s it? This guy was a madman because he didn’t want to grow old? Well… That ain’t so bad at all! What else did he do? He met up with a bunch of evil geniuses to steal stuff from the Library of Alexandria. Okay, that’s not so bad either. I don’t condone theft at all. That’s not cool, but he’s just stealing information and stuff from the world’s greatest library of all-time? The guy just wants to learn stuff. Let’s see what else he’s done… Oh, bummer. He’s dead. How did he die? Tried to shoot Hank Pym in the back… Well, that’s not cool either. Hawkeye shot an arrow into the barrel of the gun… Good shootin’, Clint! Gun misfired, killing Egghead… So, not only was he created to be a nerd with an unfortunately shaped head, who stole from libraries and desired a cure against aging at all costs, but he was killed in a style fit for Looney Tunes? I take all that sympathy I had back, that’s pretty funny. Yeah, that’s lame. I really think my first sentence really summed this pick up pretty nicely. Hank Pym’s true arch-enemy is a can of Raid. No one could ever live up to that.
#1. The Hood
WHY: Parker Robbins, I bet you aren’t the only one surprised to be my #1 Lamest Marvel Villain. But the simple truth is you are a total douchebag. One could even call you an asshat. Don’t get me wrong, you had potential, but you’re just a goon. You are a prime example of good things that happened to a poor character. Let me break this down for you… You’re a petty thief who stumbled upon some really bitchin’ powers. You do look cool. That red riding hood of yours really isn’t that bad at all. You’d be someone I wouldn’t want to run into in a dark alley if you were wearing that hood. But why the hell would you continue to carry guns around when you can melt people’s faces off with your bitchin’ magic? Even when you were given stones that enhanced your already high-level powers, you used those stones to give your guns magic bullets. I bet Loki really regretted that decision. He probably saw you shoot your magic bullets and just buried his head in his hands thinking “Did he really just do what I saw him do? Did he just make ‘magic bullets’? What an asshole!”
Really what irritates the hell out of me about the Hood is that he’s such a fanboy wet dream. Why was the Punisher or Cable so popular? The brought the guns and were general badasses. I didn’t care for either of them as a whole, but I understand their popularity and both have had decent stories from time to time. In the Hood’s case, it just wasn’t enough that he could be a cool design, but his popularity was sealed when he double fists those twin handguns. He holds them out like a character in a John Woo movie. He holds them sideways like a real badass from “da hood”. He just thinks he’s hot shit in a champagne glass. But because he’s constantly shoving those guns in people’s faces and threatens them with “none of you know who I am or what I can do” bullshit. He’s just a whiney jerk who wants to think of himself as a big man because he brings guns to a super-power fight. For that, he just turns out to be cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup and my NUMBER ONE LAMEST MARVEL VILLAIN.
You know what? Maybe I totally botched this list. Maybe I picked characters you like (I know Thumbelina must have an underground fan club somewhere). So tell me what you think would make for a better lame list!
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